Saturday, April 25, 2009

Baby Feels So Real Autopsy

Christmas of 1991. Tyco's Baby Feels So Real was all the rage among us 8-year-olds, and I wanted one desperately. More so, even, than the pony I'd been wishing for every time I blew out a candle, or wished on a star, or saw 11:11 on a clock, or threw a penny in a fountain...you get the picture. So, you can imagine my absolute joy at discovering this sought-after doll under the tree on Christmas morning.

She was perfect. 3.5 pounds of squishy realness, complete with bones and a soft spot in her head. To me, she looked and felt just like a real baby. And what a satisfying thump she made when chucked at my cousin's head! What could be better? I hugged her and squeezed her and called her Lauren.

Soon, I became intensely curious...what, exactly, was in there? Did she have an actual skeleton? What made her so heavy? Over the years that I played with her (I seem to remember the last time was when I was, um, 15 0_o), I always had these questions in my head. Eventually, she was relegated to the closet and largely forgotten.

Spring of 2009. I was preparing to move 1000 miles away from home, and was going through my closet deciding what I would bring and what would be given away. I moved some old stuffed animals, and there she was. OMG, Baby Feels So Real! I picked her up and was remembering all the great times we'd had *sigh*, when suddenly, inspiration struck.

First, I checked eBay to make sure she wasn't worth some crazy amount of money (I am about to be poor, after all). Then, I grabbed a basin, some gloves, a box cutter, and my 13-year-old sister. It was time to find out once and for all. So here, I give you...


The Autopsy of Baby Feels So Real *da da DA*



Poor, unsuspecting thing. I am bursting with excitement...imagine if she had something really gross and toxic inside her? I'd be raking in the dough. Or, imagine if she had some kind of awesome treasure in there? Ok, that's reaching a bit, but you never know.

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Time to scrub in.

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The Y incision is made. And holy crap, it looks really creepy. I wonder momentarily if this was really a good idea. Then I come to my senses. Awesome!

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We open it up a bit more, and my sister dunks her (gloved) finger right in. I have taught her well. Wow, it looks and feels like honey, or maybe tree sap! Her finger is not immediately vaporized. It doesn't smell like anything. We play with the goop for a few minutes and make a mess.

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After we get that out of our systems, we check out what there is to see in there. Looks like a plastic frame completely submerged in the thick, sticky, gel-like substance. I'm a little disappointed to not see ribs and a spine.

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Cooooool.

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Moving on to the head. The skin material is surprisingly easy to slice through. Like buttah.

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After peeling her scalp back, we see that her fontanel is nothing but a groove in the skull. I was picturing an actual hole. Weird. Also, why is it skin colored?

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We start to pull the skin down over her face, and I am so disturbed by the way it looks that I immediately have to stop and take a picture.

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...holy crap, it's an alien!! I knew it.

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Pausing to regroup, we take a look at our progress so far. My dad chooses this moment to walk by, and I think I hear him gag a little. He shakes his head and proclaims us mentally ill. We laugh maniacally in response.

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I make an incision down her back, and find a strange hole. I'm not sure why it's there...it doesn't seem to serve any purpose. We catch sight of ball joints in the hips and shoulders.

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I'm interested to see if there are little toe bones in her feet, and I'm greeted with an outpouring of goo. Strangely, I'm reminded of the candyman.

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When Baby Feels So Real was still alive and well, she didn't bend very much, so I'm surprised to see that her joints are fully operational. Seems like a waste, since the final product doesn't bend. Aww, no toe bones.

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Same goes for her arms. Looks like she might be a Thalidomide baby. Flippers!

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A little worse for the wear now, Baby Feels So Real has given up all her secrets.

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Curiosity satisfied, we finish up our procedure, dispose of the body, and get rid of the evidence. No open casket for this one.


Do you think the family will sue?

27 comments:

  1. This was awesome and it made me grin the whole way through. =D

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  2. Haha, awesome, that was amazing. I always wondered, and now I know, but I wish I'd gotten to feel the icky goo.

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  3. Maybe its the same stuff they put inside stretch armstrong??

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  4. Jenna, This was THE Most DISTURBING thing I have ever SAW!!!! But your writing was amazing, It made it even creeper! I think you should get into writing it obviously your nitch. As always Perfect sentence structure and great vocb...... BITCH

    Love Always Your,
    Jenettie

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  5. If I were you, I would have sewn it back up again. Frankenstein baby! It would have been creepy. And awesome.

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  6. What really weird me out is that they clearly thought to put an indent in her "skull" to mimic the soft spot on a real baby's head.

    But why? Just to let us indulge our morbid desire to poke a baby's soft spot?

    Also, I wonder what the curious honey-like substance was inside.

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  7. I like the muffin tins in the background. For some reason.

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  8. So cool. I used to love my Baby Feels So Real. I always wondered what she'd look like all cut up.

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  9. I couldn't stop laughing, while reading.

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  10. i had a baby feels so real as a kid. my dog ended up biting a few holes in it the goo in side mine was a grayish white color. wierd.

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  11. Thanks for this. I've been wondering for about two decades.

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  12. you guys are sick....i love it! bwahahaha

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  13. It reminds me of Sid from Toy Story. Poor Baby Feels So Real you never had a chance. lol

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  14. I am currently biding on one of these that has went over $100.00, this was my daughters favorite dolls and we lost it in a house fire. so i wish i had your doll to give her, but glad you finally found out what she was made of,,,,,,,

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    1. Thanks for doing the work I've always wondered, stil have my BFsR.

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  15. I just dug my baby feels so real out of storage today (accidentally while putting away our Christmas trees - yes, I know it's almost February). We cleaned her up in a Dawn dish detergent bath and sew her a couple of diapers for modesty as mine didn't have any clothes on, and I gave her to my 14mo daughter. I LOVED my BFSR so much, and couldn't imagine cutting her to pieces, but I am so glad you did so I don't have to wonder anymore about her insides! :)

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  16. I loved this so much, it was almost as dark and twisted as I am and I would love to reblog over at my wordpress site but I noticed that none of the pics are showing up here. I clicked on the pics hoping they would direct me to your photo bucket and I might fond them there but no help. If you still have pics of this "event" #1 can I use them and #2 also can I reblog this on my site (giving you full credit and a link back to your site of course)Any help would be appreciated. I have neglected my blog for quite some time now due to medical reasons and I think this is just what the doctor ordered to jump start the blog again...even if I am not the one to write the material :)

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    1. Hi, Nan! Yes, you can reblog this post as long as you give full credit as you said. The pictures will show up again 3 days from now (that's when photobucket will reset my bandwidth). Thanks!

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  17. THANK YOU! I had one from my daughter that didnt have the arms, guess it was a lemon. so now I know there were supposed to be some and werent. you still coulda got about 100.00 for it though, sad, but oh well.... thank you for the info!

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  18. in retrospect, I meant the bones inside the arms. lol.

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  19. I WOULD HAVE PAID OVER 100 DOLLARS FOR THIS DOLL THEY ARE WORTH MONEY I HAVE THE FIRST ONE THAT CAME OUT FROM 1979 SHE HAS GOO INSIDE OF HER AND BLONDE HAIR BUT IM GLAD WE GOT TO SEE HER GOO

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    1. are you willing to sell your baby feel so real from 1979? my sister is looking for one for her daughter who is 6 and has not been able to find any and the one she wants is the one from 1979?

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  20. In 1978 my grandmother passed away. My male cousin and I (6 and 4 respectively) were not allowed to go to the services. Our other grandmother watched us. In our grief we stole steak knives and dissected Stretch Armstrong outside on a trashcan lid flipped over on top of the trash can. We completely butchered him, and ended up covered in goo. He was basically the same inside, except without the internal frame.

    When our parents came home they were mortified by us using steak knives and destroying a beloved toy. Our grandmother explained that it was our way of grieving and working through the first death that touched us. She also said that she was watching us out the window the whole time, and there was nothing to worry about. After ripping our parents new ones for trying to go off on us, we were sent off for a tubbie and nothing was said about it, other than turning into a family story we all love.

    I will say that I remember the goo in Armstrong being much pinker, and more Jell-O like than your doll, but it was the 70s compared to the 90s.

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  21. Oh wow! I loved my Baby Feels So Real when I was little. I actually still have her. One arm apparently came out of socket and migrated into her body somewhere because it seems to be gone. :-( I have always wondered what she looked like on the inside. I may just put her in my daughters' room for them to love on for a while!

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  22. I'm guessing the mystery hole is for manufacturing purposes. I bet a machine or a tool grabs it through there.

    My Stretch Armstrong from the late 80s had that color goo.

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