Christmas of 1991. Tyco's Baby Feels So Real was all the rage among us 8-year-olds, and I wanted one desperately. More so, even, than the pony I'd been wishing for every time I blew out a candle, or wished on a star, or saw 11:11 on a clock, or threw a penny in a fountain...you get the picture. So, you can imagine my absolute joy at discovering this sought-after doll under the tree on Christmas morning.
She was perfect. 3.5 pounds of squishy realness, complete with bones and a soft spot in her head. To me, she looked and felt just like a real baby. And what a satisfying thump she made when chucked at my cousin's head! What could be better? I hugged her and squeezed her and called her Lauren.
Soon, I became intensely curious...what, exactly, was in there? Did she have an actual skeleton? What made her so heavy? Over the years that I played with her (I seem to remember the last time was when I was, um, 15 0_o), I always had these questions in my head. Eventually, she was relegated to the closet and largely forgotten.
Spring of 2009. I was preparing to move 1000 miles away from home, and was going through my closet deciding what I would bring and what would be given away. I moved some old stuffed animals, and there she was. OMG, Baby Feels So Real! I picked her up and was remembering all the great times we'd had *sigh*, when suddenly, inspiration struck.
First, I checked eBay to make sure she wasn't worth some crazy amount of money (I am about to be poor, after all). Then, I grabbed a basin, some gloves, a box cutter, and my 13-year-old sister. It was time to find out once and for all. So here, I give you...
The Autopsy of Baby Feels So Real *da da DA*
Poor, unsuspecting thing. I am bursting with excitement...imagine if she had something really gross and toxic inside her? I'd be raking in the dough. Or, imagine if she had some kind of awesome treasure in there? Ok, that's reaching a bit, but you never know.
Time to scrub in.
The Y incision is made. And holy crap, it looks really creepy. I wonder momentarily if this was really a good idea. Then I come to my senses. Awesome!
We open it up a bit more, and my sister dunks her (gloved) finger right in. I have taught her well. Wow, it looks and feels like honey, or maybe tree sap! Her finger is not immediately vaporized. It doesn't smell like anything. We play with the goop for a few minutes and make a mess.
After we get that out of our systems, we check out what there is to see in there. Looks like a plastic frame completely submerged in the thick, sticky, gel-like substance. I'm a little disappointed to not see ribs and a spine.
Moving on to the head. The skin material is surprisingly easy to slice through. Like buttah.
After peeling her scalp back, we see that her fontanel is nothing but a groove in the skull. I was picturing an actual hole. Weird. Also, why is it skin colored?
We start to pull the skin down over her face, and I am so disturbed by the way it looks that I immediately have to stop and take a picture.
...holy crap, it's an alien!! I knew it.
Pausing to regroup, we take a look at our progress so far. My dad chooses this moment to walk by, and I think I hear him gag a little. He shakes his head and proclaims us mentally ill. We laugh maniacally in response.
I make an incision down her back, and find a strange hole. I'm not sure why it's there...it doesn't seem to serve any purpose. We catch sight of ball joints in the hips and shoulders.
I'm interested to see if there are little toe bones in her feet, and I'm greeted with an outpouring of goo. Strangely, I'm reminded of the candyman.
When Baby Feels So Real was still alive and well, she didn't bend very much, so I'm surprised to see that her joints are fully operational. Seems like a waste, since the final product doesn't bend. Aww, no toe bones.
Same goes for her arms. Looks like she might be a Thalidomide baby. Flippers!
A little worse for the wear now, Baby Feels So Real has given up all her secrets.
Curiosity satisfied, we finish up our procedure, dispose of the body, and get rid of the evidence. No open casket for this one.
Do you think the family will sue?